Chris Valenti

If you’ve ever been frustrated by a relationship and you have a twisted, but healthy sense of humor, then Chris Valenti is the artist for you. Chris takes his romantic failures and frustrations personally and pours them out to you straight from his wry, twisted heart. Valenti\’s songs of struggles, blunders, and missed opportunities radiate the painfully funny universal suffering we all endure. His show is part music, part comedy, part therapy, and part romance – as well as action, adventure, mystery and sometimes horror. A philosopher of love – usually, the kind of love that did not exactly make it to that \’happily ever after\’ place, Chris writes and performs songs that touch upon the common truths of the humorous lives of single people. Songs like Passive Aggressive, about the cute little problems that get blown out of proportion in every sweet, loving relationship, and The Ghost of Your Ex, about dates who can\’t stop talking about their ex-boyfriends, strike close to home for those who can not reel in the full attention of their present partner. Don\’t Pass Out is a plea and warning to men and women everywhere to curb excessive drinking, especially on first dates. The upcoming album includes It\’s Hard to Find Someone Good Enough For Me, which nails the single person\’s core issue head on – and was featured on The Dr. Phil Show – and Everyone Can Be Replaced, a positive look at the end of relationships. Most shows end with Chris\’s new approach to women, Booty Call. A hopeful romantic with a wry sense of humor, Chris has the knack for using self-deprecation and vulnerability to write songs about the hazards and frustrations of love and attempted relationships. He’s become the cheerful motivator for the unlucky in love, because the best cure for a broken heart is laughing at someone else\’s.

Archive for September, 2008


Morgan Hill, CA – 09/25/08 – Morgan Hill Community Playhouse – Morgan Hill Comedy Night

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Comedy + Rock Spooktacular III

This event is part Halloween party, part comedy / rock concert. And a big concert it will be – the Colony Theater has 300 seats and a huge lounge/lobby to house the partying in between the performances. Oct 5th will be a very fun night. Come in costume if you dare…

The line up:

6:30 Dino-Mike – At the young age of 24, Mike has a very promising future as a comedy musician and has been reggerred to as “the next Weird Al”… to which Mike responds, “Cool, I need rent money.” Mike can be heard on “the Dr. Demento Show”, “Kahn Man’s Comedy Corner”, and countless others… well, he probably could count them, but he’s lazy.

7:00 Phoebe Carter – is a gold mine of talent. Heard on radio stations in major cities throughout the country, her songs are just simply comedic and musical genius that anyone can relate to. Her songs ‘Can’t Get Home For Christmas’, ‘Phunny Valentine’, ‘SUV’ and the newest, ‘Spooky Sexy’ are a hysterical blend of sweet voice, amazing sounds and comical lyrics, mixed with holiday cheer.

7:30 Leaving Springfield is a two piece rock band from Las Vegas, formed by veterans of the Las Vegas local music scene. They mix the raw rock elements of bands like the Replacements and Cheap Trick, while still providing the pop hooks of Fountains of Wayne and Weezer. Leaving Springfield breaths a much deserved breath of fresh air into today’s music.

8:00 Vomit – Comprised of Skye and Moone, identical twins separated at age 11 when their parents got divorced. They were reunited when Skye got arrested and Moone bailed her out. Vomit was born.

8:45 Chris Valenti – If you’ve ever been frustrated by a relationship and you have a twisted, but healthy sense of humor, then Chris Valenti is the artist for you. Chris takes his romantic failures and frustrations personally and pours them out to you straight from his wry, twisted heart.

9:30 Megasapien is Lian Light and Burke Thomas two equally insane, multi-instrumentalistical, songwriting, ice cream eating freaks coming together to make loud aggressive rock music with a pulpy mushy center.

The admission is $10 online – $15 at door. The Colony Theater is located at 555 N. 3rd St Burbank, CA 91502.

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Los Angeles, CA – 09/19/08 – Room 5 – Solo Acoustic Full Show

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Monterey, CA – 09/13/08 – Monterey Live – Chris Valenti & Phil Johnson

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Negligent Infliction of Emotional Distress

Sue your ex’s for pain and suffering. What a country! I did a little legal research and I think this might actually work. Listen to the new Scratch Track Tuesday offering – Negligent Infliction of Emotional Distress

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Venice, CA – 09/05/08 – The Talking Stick – Java with Javeyln

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I Think I Have “Chris Valenti Syndrome”

This is weird. It looks as though I have been added to the modern vernacular. I just discovered that urbandictionary.com has added the term “Chris Valenti Syndrome” to their book. I’m disappointed, I was hoping for Wikipedia…

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=chris%20valenti%20syndrome

Chris Valenti Syndrome is described as “the syndrome in which an unmarried individual falls in love with an engaged individual, and the engaged with the unmarried, but does nothing until the engaged individual is married. usually leaves both parties in a depressed state.”

Come on…. That’s such a narrow portrayal of all the Emotional Wreckage I represent. That’s like… just one song.

I think most people understand the true nature of Chris Valenti Syndrome. As we all know, the Mayo Clinic has been studying this condition for years now. They’ve even asked me to donate my body once I die, or sooner.

Once thought to be somewhat rare, research and album sales have shown this condition to be quite common. Carried on the X chromosome, CVS is caused by a recessive gene mainly affecting males, but ironically, only women are carriers. Actually that makes quite a lot of sense.

Controversy has arisen between researchers over the necessary features required to be present in order for a patient to be correctly diagnosed with CVS. The committee has agreed that three essential components must be present, along with at least 2 out of 5 additional characteristics observed by a certified clinician.

The three essential components are as follows: 1- The patient must be single and actively seeking to date and find the ideal lifelong romantic partner at all times. 2- When the subject does finally find himself in a romantic relationship, he must reach a point where he feels utter apathy towards the relationship and is completely bored with his newfound mate, often finding flaws in such physical features as her hairline or earlobes. This should take no longer than two months. 3- At a point soon after either the patient or the newfound mate terminates this relationship, patient will profoundly regret this action. This point often comes only seconds after the break-up has occurred, but may also take many years before the gravity of the loss takes its full effect. Full penetrance could also occur instantaneously due to an unexpected circumstance such as a random supermarket meeting.

The five additional characteristics, of which two must be observed, include: Incessant whining and complaining over the said romantic loss, often in artistic form such as written screenplays, mediocre standup comedy sets, or simple twelve bar blues. A growing intolerance of children and happy families, especially families of people patient knows well. A noticably reduced time period allowed for courtships, often even minutes seems far too long. Ability to identify dozens of photos on the new dating site that patient recognizes from the old dating site. A large Netflix queue.

Also priaprism, of course, is generally expected.

The Center for Disease Control has not presently approved any therapies. It has been leaked to the press that the Merck Corporation has placed a bid on my cell line with hopes to develop a genetic remedy in their orphan drug division. One Merck representative pointed out the irony that it was once believed that CVS was a venereal disease and could simply be prevented by a quick trip to CVS.

Well, that’s all I know about Chris Valenti Syndrome. There’s also the other kind where you have an insatiable need to come watch Chris Valenti perform. If you have this version, I will be playing a full set this Friday night, Sept 5th at The Talking Stick’s new location 1411 Lincoln Blvd, Venice, CA 90291. The show, called Java with Javelyn, starts at 7pm. I believe I go on about 8.

I have a brand new song I’ll be playing. Scratch Track Tuesdays is happening again. Look for the new song to be up on the site very soon. And more songs will follow each Tues – or so. The weekly writing is back.

Hope to see you Friday!

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