I knew it was going to be an exciting week, but I didn’t expect surgery. I thought my theme song of the week would be “Blister in the Sun” not “I Want to be Sedated.”
I had a freak accident on Tuesday that essentially led to the sharp side of a three ring binder being driven through my left cornea. This is very embarrassing and I know that I should just make up a more dramatic story, but the pathetic truth is that I pulled up to a post office to mail a binder and an envelope full of Violent Femmes/Chris Valenti tickets. I was about to get out of the jeep when I felt the car roll forward; apparently the emergency brake didn’t catch. So I instinctively pulled my left leg up to jam on the emergency brake. Unfortunately, the binder was resting on my knee. In a billion to one shot, my leg jammed the side of the binder deep into my eye, so forcefully it snapped my head back.
I looked in the rear view mirror to check the damage. I saw that my eye was bleeding out the left corner and that my cornea was sliced open exposing my eyeball. I passed out. When I awoke I gathered my senses and got out and mailed the binder and envelope. Then I drove myself to the emergency room. I know I only had one working eye, but really, it’s one more than I usually use, so I figured I was fine. Luckily my friend Adam was home, so I could park at his house and avoid the costly parking fees at Cedars Sinai.
Cut to today’s surgery, so to speak. The news gets worse. Due to the Lasik surgery I had ten years ago, there is a residual flap in my cornea, all Lasik patients have it. The injury ripped apart the hinge of that flap. My brilliant USC surgeon, top guy in the country, and up until this point, a very calming and confident man, said he had never seen anything quite like this. He tried to reposition the cornea flap back into its correct spot. But since it is now floating freely, it could pop out at any time. He wants me to stay in bed for a week.
He told me I should not play the concert at the Ventura Theater.
Ha. This guy’s funnier than I’ll ever be.
THE SHOW MUST GO ON!!!! It is a mere flesh wound!
I got another eye. I may not have another shot.
I’ve got my pirate’s patch ready and I’m doing it! I suggest you be on the right side of the theater so I can see you. I urge you to come down and view this specticle. Anything could happen. The person in the front row who catches and returns my cornea flap wins a free t-shirt. I have 20 tickets left that I have to sell. I haven’t been able to promote all week for said reasons. So contact me if you want some of them.
This Sunday will be an amazing show. My Wrecked Eye and the Violent Femmes. Please come, you will be a site for sore eyes.